「和して同ぜず － 夫婦円満の秘訣」

　孔子は論語・子路の一節で「子曰く、君子は和して同ぜず、小人は同じて和せず」と教えている。この意味するところは、「君子は人と協調はするが、道理に外れたようなことや、主体性を失うようなことはしない。一方、相手の言うことに異を唱え、自身は道に外れたことを平気でやるのが小人である」、ということだと自分なりに解釈している。しかし、「和して同ぜず」の部分は「面従腹背」とも解されないこともないが、君主や近親・友人が道に外れたことをした場合は、命を賭して諌めるという意味で儒教思想に合致する。そして、この言葉の一部「和して同ぜず」は諺と言ってもよいレベルで世間に知られている。
　私の父方の姉である叔母・杉本はるが、結婚した直後の私達夫婦に対して「何でも“はい、はい”言うて相手の言うことを聞くんやで。いきなり逆ろうたらいかんで、碌なことないさけな。」と夫婦間や舅・姑をはじめ、広く人間関係の構築にとって大切なことであることを諭してくれた。相手の言うことに先ず「はい、はい」と聞く耳をもつことが思いやりであり、触れ合いであり、おもてなしであるということだろう。若い頃は教師をし、熱心なクリスチャンであり「ほととぎす」の歌人でもあった叔母のこの言葉には重みがあって、何故か私の心に棲みついて、処世訓の一つとして実践されてきた。
　「和して同ぜず」という言葉は、夫婦・家族・親族・友人・知人・近隣・職場・商売・世間・国際関係の何処でも通用する人間社会における普遍的な観念とみてよいかも知れない。
　話は変わって、松永久秀、明智光秀、荒木村重による織田信長への謀反は、主君に「和して同じる」という彼らの士道が、織田信長の傲慢・わがまま・思慮の欠如によってプライド（「武士の一分」）が深く傷つけられた結果「和して同ぜず」（面従腹背）に変化し、遂には「和せず同ぜず」（敵対）に至った結果だと思われる。「主君に忠節を尽くす」という侍の基本的理念である儒教思想は、主君がそれに応える力量と度量の持ち主で、君臣関係の和が良好に保たれることによって成り立っているものである。しかし、世襲制度では名君もいれば暗君もいる訳で、お家騒動の種は尽きず、封建制度や武士道というものも安泰な思想ではないのだろう。北朝鮮という世襲国家では一代目（金日成）のようなカリスマ性がない後継者の暗君がここ二代続き、現政権の行く末はそう長くはないように思われる。
　夫婦ではどうだろうか。結婚当初数年は盲目的に「同じて和する」であったはずである。子供ができて数歳になり夫婦の蜜月期間が過ぎる頃には、夫婦間の新鮮さが減少して倦怠期に入る。３０～４０代は夫婦とも互いの長所欠陥も大体把握した積りになって興味は薄れ、夫は仕事に、妻は育児（共稼ぎの場合は、育児に仕事）に没頭、ある時には「同じて和する」、また別の時には「同じて和せず」の共存・斑状態、別の言葉で言うと「戦略的互恵関係」になるのが普通ではないだろうか。
　夫が職を離れて給料というものがなくなり、年金を貰って家でブラブラ暮らすようになると、妻と同じ屋根の下で共に過ごす時間が急に増える。一方、妻は若い頃から続けられてきた友人・知人とのお喋り会や趣味の会・サークルなどで様々な情報と雑学を仕入れてきてそれなりに物怖じしなくなり、それとともに夫への免疫と言うか、抵抗力は強化されるのである。その結果、妻の顔面皮膚の厚みは年々増して鉄面皮となり、小言の語彙も蓄積され増える。年金生活に入ると、それまで大枚の給料を稼いでいた夫への畏怖は妻の中で急速に色褪せ、夫＝宿六の威信は急落して妻の論理性欠如の「小言」はやたら増えるようになる。
　妻の小言に対する夫の理論武装した理屈（妻に言わすと"屁理屈"らしい）に基づく抗弁なんぞは効き目は無く、妻の口先だけの攻撃の強さと粘着性は倍加している。こういう状況で夫が生き延びる術は、「着かず離れず、和して同ぜず」ということになるのであろうか。こんな状態で老夫婦は人生の終末期を迎えるのであろうか。

　In a passage from the Analects of Zilu, Confucius teaches, ``The Son says, ``Gentlemen are the same but not the same, and dwarfs are the same but not the same.'' 　What this means is, ``A gentleman cooperates with others, but he does not do anything that is unreasonable or loses his independence.On the other hand, he disagrees with what others say, and he himself does not follow the path. 　My own interpretation is that ``a dwarf is someone who doesn't mind doing something that is out of the ordinary.'' However, the part ``harmonize and do not be the same'' can also be interpreted as ``men, subordinates, and backs,'' but it is a Confucian idea that means that if a ruler, close relative, or friend does something out of the way, one would risk one's life to reprimand them matches. 　And part of this phrase, ``Harmonize and do the same'' is so well known that it can be called a proverb.

　My aunt Haru Sugimoto, who is my father's older sister, told me right after we got married, ``Say ``yes, yes'' to everything and listen to what the other person says.　 "It's not something you're good at," he said, admonishing us about the importance of building relationships with a wide range of people, including those between husband and wife, father-in-law, and mother-in-law. 　Listening to what the other person has to say, ``Yes, yes,'' is consideration, interaction, and hospitality. These words from my aunt, who was a teacher when she was young, a devout Christian, and a singer of the song ``Hototogisu'' have a deep meaning, and for some reason they have stuck with me, and have been put into practice as one of my life lessons.

　The phrase "harmonious but not the same" may be seen as a universal concept in human society that applies everywhere: couples, families, relatives, friends, acquaintances, neighborhoods, workplaces, business, society, and international relations. Changing the story, the rebellion against Oda Nobunaga by Hisashi Matsunaga, Mitsuhide Akechi, and Murashige Araki is due to the fact that their sense of ``harmony and equality'' with their master was due to Oda Nobunaga's arrogance, selfishness, and lack of thought. 　It is thought that this was the result of being deeply hurt by the ``one part of the samurai'', which changed to ``harmonize and do the same'' (men, subordinates, and sesho), and finally to ``harmony and do not do the same'' (enmity). 　Confucian philosophy, which is the basic samurai philosophy of ``being loyal to your lord,'' is based on the lord having the ability and fortitude to live up to his lord's needs, and the harmony in the relationship between the prince and his subjects being maintained.　However, in the hereditary system, there are good and bad princes, and there is no end to the seeds of family turmoil, and the feudal system and Bushido are probably not safe ideas either. 　In North Korea, a hereditary country, there have been two successive generations of successors who lack the charisma of the first generation (Kim Il-sung), and it seems that the current fate of the current government will not be long. 　What about couples? For the first few years of their marriage, they must have blindly thought, ``The same goes.'' 　When a child is a few years old and the honeymoon period has passed, the relationship between the couple loses its freshness and enters a period of boredom. 　In their 30s and 40s, both husband and wife begin to have a general understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses, and their interest wanes.The husband is absorbed in work, the wife in childcare (in the case of both parents, childcare and work). 　Isn't it normal for the two countries to coexist and be patchy, or in other words, to have a mutually beneficial strategic relationship?

　When a husband leaves his job and has no salary, receives a pension and starts living at home, the time he spends with his wife under the same roof suddenly increases. 　On the other hand, the wife has acquired a variety of information and trivia through chats with friends and acquaintances, hobby groups, and circles that she has been having since she was young, and has become less fearful and has become immune to her husband, resistance is strengthened. 　As a result, his wife's facial skin has grown thicker and thicker over the years, and her vocabulary has also increased. 　When the wife entered pension life, the fear she had for her husband, who had been earning a large salary, rapidly faded, and the prestige of the husband (Yukuro) plummeted, and the wife's illogical "nagging" became increasingly common.　 It starts to increase.

　The husband's defenses against his wife's nagging based on well-armed logic (which sounds like ``arrogance'' to the wife) are ineffective, and the strength and tenacity of the wife's verbal attacks are doubling. 　I wonder if the husband's way to survive in such a situation is to ``never arrive, never leave, be in harmony and never be the same.'' Could an elderly couple reach the end of their lives in such a state?